Spicy food. Dairy. Coffee. Sugar substitutes. Fast food. Fibrous foods. Too much fruit. A hangover. A stomach virus. We all know the things that cause us to have the bubble guts. We work hard to avoid these foods at work, for the idea of anyone, especially a co-worker, knowing that you have explosive diarrhea is embarrassing. For many of us, Mexican is a treat for us when we’re alone or don't need to leave the house. We crave Chinese food for months, knowing that we have to wait until it’s safe to eat. We are also discreet when these happenings happen.
But not Dottie. Dottie went to work one morning in a facility where we prepared meals for our patients. She arrived at work early, clocked in, and began to prepare for breakfast before any of her co-workers arrived. She decided to begin heating the oil in one of the pans, when suddenly, it hit her like a ton of bricks. Diarrhea. Dottie went to the restroom for roughly twenty minutes, leaving the gas under the pan going. Unattended.
Unbeknownst to Dottie, there was also a gas leak (besides the one in her stomach). In addition, the heat and smoke from the stove triggered the sprinkler system and fire alarms causing the Fire Department to come to the center. Imagine this humungous mess (in the kitchen) caused simply by not turning off the stove, something that a third grader would do. On top of this, she closed the kitchen door, which could have caused an explosion under the right circumstances.
When Dottie’s manager received the alert that the fire alarms went off, she rushed out of bed to the facility to find it in complete disarray. She asked Dottie what happened, and she admitted to the entire incident. Her manager obviously asked, “Why didn't you turn off the stove before you went to the restroom?,” to which Dottie was unable to respond. I’m sorry but we’ve all been in the same situation at one point in our lives, and you always have a literal second to turn the gas off. Due to the safety risks that Dottie exposed our patients and staff to, along with the reputational, legal, and financial risks, she was given a first and final warning.
Eight months later, on a hot summer day in August, Dottie the Arsonist struck again. This time, she began grilling chicken (outside), and left the grill to heat up with the lid closed for over fifteen minutes. A few of our patients were outside, when they noticed a flame coming out of the back of the grill. The patient, who had physical limitations, ran in the facility to tell staff about the potential danger. Dottie’s colleague immediate ran out with a fire extinguisher. Dottie eventually came out, #unbothered, and said “It’s fine, we don't need to use the fire extinguisher,” and proceeded to turn the chicken breasts over IN THE FLAMES! I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen the video surveillance footage myself. Dottie’s coworker and the patient looked at each other, and the patient grabbed the fire extinguisher and put out the growing fire on a grill. As an aside, this was a propane tank grill. I don't know if my fear of them blowing up is logical or not, but they really freak me out.
Her manager, perplexed at Dottie’s skill of almost blowing up the facility twice in one year, asked her, “Why did you leave the grill unattended?” Dottie responded she went to get cheese. Okay, now Dottie really had me fucked up. Where was this cheese? Why did it take 15 minutes to get it? Did she get it from Wisconsin? And I love cheese… but who the fuck puts cheese on chicken (If you’re reading this and you do, believe me I’m not mad at ya and I actually kinda want to try it)…!? How did you get to be in your 40s and not burn your house down? Do you cook at home? Is the fire department on speed dial? Did they shut your gas off permanently? Did your diarrhea having ass really need to add cheese to anything anyway? I need answers!!
Not only did she leave the grill going for over fifteen minutes to go get cheese, but she admitted to using a cookie sheet instead of the drip pan that came with the grill. A review of the surveillance camera footage showed that a total of 36 minutes elapsed from the time the grill caught fire, unattended, and the gas valve on the propane tank was turned off.
With two potential four alarm fires under her belt, it was time to bid adieu to Dottie. After a brief investigation, where employees corroborated their confusion and concern as to why Dottie would leave the grill unattended, and watching video footage of her flipping the chicken in the fire, we called to terminate her. Dottie was furious, and hung up on us. We never heard from Dottie again. It's just a shame the people she cooked for will never have her famous blackened debris ever again.
Until next time…