porterbainbridge
Prison Bae
Working in the realm of social services, you encounter countless moments that make you feel like a superhero, despite the daily dose of...
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PERSONNELLY VICTIMIZED
Porter Bainbridge, SHRM-CP
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ABOUT THIS BLOG...
The life and times of an HR professional. A collection of stories that came across my desk, and how I’ve dealt with them. Stories that explain my Zoloft dependency. The stories are true, despite how hard to believe.
So many disclaimers, so little time!
First and foremost, this blog is meant to be an amusing recollection of my work life. That being said, I plan to use this blog to vent. There will be “colorful language,” and a lot of “French.”
Obviously, I’m an HR professional, and know my way around confidentiality. Therefore, I’m not stupid enough to publish the names of the employees to which I'm referring. Since all I do is work, I don't have a social life. I hate people. Therefore, the names are completely random, and have no correlation to my life, my work, or anything else for that matter.
Most importantly, this blog is not to be used as legal advice. Although I find myself to be an extremely talented HR professional, I’m sure there's times I’ve fucked up. There are even some stories that will reflect my mistakes.
Lastly, enjoy. Don't take it to serious, and have a few laughs. Buckle up buttercup. You're in for a ride.
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The Unicorn
A manager was exciting when she was able to find multiple qualified candidates for her open training roles. She asked me to help her...
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A Meth-Head to His Madness
On a cold December day, I was approached by the Compliance Director regarding an anonymous complaint she received regarding one of our...
porterbainbridge
Crash Dummy
On a recent spring morning, a supervisor called me to notify me that one of her employees was arrested in the middle of the night. I...
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Recruiting a Recruiter
Probably one of the most ironic parts of working in HR is recruiting for a recruiter. These days they’re not a dime a dozen, and take a...
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Chief Thieving Officer
Ahhh, the beginning of the summer. What beautiful time for ice cold frozen margaritas sitting outside of our favorite Mexican...
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Bachelor of Science in Misrepresentation
One of the many reasons why I hate liars is that it’s an insult to my intelligence. I can understand some of the reasons why people lie -...
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Hurricane Shelly
One of the biggest mysteries in the world is why people apply for and work in customer service related jobs when they clearly hate...
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Firing the Pyromaniac
Spicy food. Dairy. Coffee. Sugar substitutes. Fast food. Fibrous foods. Too much fruit. A hangover. A stomach virus. We all know the...
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The Panty Sniffer Parable
So we hired a sex offender, what’s the worst that could happen? I get it, you’re asking yourself “What kind of HR professional would hire...
porterbainbridge
The Tale of the Endangered Payroll Specialist
Judd was a very interesting employee. He started out as a temporary placement for an open Accounts Payable position, and truly succeeded....
porterbainbridge
Emotional Reactivity
Oh the joys of having staff that need to travel for work. Over the course of my career, I’ve dealt with: An employee who had a heart...
porterbainbridge
The One When I Cursed a Bitch Out
This is one I'm not particularly proud of. Yes, there have been times I got a little bitchy, but there was a boundary that I don't think...
porterbainbridge
The Office Guncle
As a man who likes other men, I’m always offended by the stereotypes we are given; we hit on straight men, we’re always horny, and we’re...
porterbainbridge
From Darkness, Light
As every HR professional knows, most of our time is spent cleaning up messes. But this story is a story of success, which don't seem to...
porterbainbridge
"He got a Bumpy Dick:" Part 2
So we left off with the smoking gun, but I lied, there were two. Firstly, I decided to go through his e-mails one last time. I just...
porterbainbridge
"He got a Bumpy Dick:" Part 1
As many of us are aware, one of the most offensive insults a woman can make about a man is about the size (or lack there of) of his peen....
porterbainbridge
I'm Off the Clock
I once had a supervisor, who we’ll call Ryan, that went through a pretty intensive off-site ethics training that resulted in a...
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Blowin' Money Fast
They say money is the root of all evil. I can't deny that money causes people to be evil. People to steal from people less fortunate due...
porterbainbridge
Sweet, Sweet Fantasy
It was a nice fall day in September of 2014. All was calm in the HR suite until an incident report was received that left us in a state...
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ABOUT PORTER...
One might ask, how did the crudest person that most people know land himself in an HR role? Funny you might ask. I almost didn't graduate high school due to excessive absenteeism. I only applied to one college. Spoiler alert: I didn't get in. I didn't care much about placement tests and therefore didn’t score high in the placement tests to determine what courses I would begin my college career in community college. But in the summer between high school and college, something inside me snapped. I was suddenly realized I was a fuck up. I became interested in school and began receiving straight As. I was given credit for a college level course in a remedial course. I excelled. I was eventually accepted into my college of choice that denied me entry just two years earlier. I was thriving.
To me, it wasn't odd that my mother came with me to talk to an academic advisor to register for my first semester’s classes. The advisor looked at me, with my blow out, Armani Exchange mirrored aviator sunglasses and colorful and tacky Express polo shirt that probably said something like “Valor,” and asked me what I wanted my major to be. I confidently responded, “Business.” Confused, she responded, “No. I’m asking you your major?” Equally confused, I responded, “Business.” When she explained that “Business” wasn't a major, I immediately panicked, knowing I had no idea what my major would in fact be. Sensing my pure horror, she explained, “You know, like Accounting, Economics, Human Resources, Marketing…” My whole life flashed before me. I was always a good in math subjects, so I responded, “Maybe Accounting?” My mother, who has babied me my whole life, quickly responded, “I can't see you behind a desk crunching numbers all day. You have too much energy for that. You need to be around people.”
The academic advisor then strongly suggested I become an HR major. I complied, mostly not wanting to hear my mother continuously repeat that I made a mistake by choosing Accounting, and the rest was history. Every now and again, I contemplate slitting my mother’s throat for having to deal with people every day, but the reality is I love my job and most of the time I love my mother. “They” say, “if you love your job you never work a day in your life.” While I don't necessarily believe that, my job is part of who I am, and can sometimes be my hobby, and now the subject of this inspiring, hysterical, well written, emotional and heartwarming blog.
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