"He got a Bumpy Dick:" Part 1

As many of us are aware, one of the most offensive insults a woman can make about a man is about the size (or lack there of) of his peen. Add some bumps, and change the setting to the workplace, and it’s probably something no guy could come back from.

Now that I have your attention, let's put all of that into context. During the course of an investigation, female staff reported being sexually harassed by their manager, who we’ll call Marcus. The staff specifically alleged a work environment that was sexually charged, and specifically stated Marcus having “suspicious” closed-door meetings with his Administrative Assistant, who we’ll call Lisa, and engaging in other inappropriate interactions and conversations with female staff.

Luckily, Porter Bainbridge was on the case ready to get to the bottom of it (that was sarcasm), as the initial investigation needed to be handled separately and without bias. As part of the investigation, I was granted access to Marcus’ e-mail, instant messages, his cell phone, and interviewed all of his staff.

While interviewing staff, it was alleged that Marcus:

• Openly talked about sex, specifically when he had sex with his wife the night before

• Would lustfully gawk at Lisa as she worked

• Groped a female employee’s ninnies

• Told Lisa that if she wore more mini-skirts and dresses that she would get more hours

• Tried to go to bed with a number of his female staff

• Would sit in his office chair smiling, legs spread, while Lisa twerked for him

• On one occasion staff needed him while he was in a meeting with Lisa, and he opened the door sweaty and out of breath, only poking his head out to respond to the staff while Lisa was on the other side of the door.

One staff member described Marcus as “a predator” and that he was “fixated” on Lisa. She further explained that she bought headphones to tune out all of the sexual conversations they had.

But if you think those allegations are shocking, just wait, there’s more. One of his employees, who we’ll call Hope, alleged that Marcus sent her a picture of his dick. Hope basically stated that she did engage in a flirtatious relationship with Marcus because she was bored and liked the attention. However, Hope did not expect it to escalate the way it did and suddenly she received a picture of his dick FROM HIS WORK PHONE (!!!). Hope’s exact response was, “No one wanted to see all of that. It was allllllllllll small and bumpy. That dick looked sickly, I don't know what he was doing with that dick but it was sickly. Nobody wanted that little dick.” It took everything in my power not to laugh.

Equal parts of needing to conduct a thorough investigation and wanting to see what Hope was talking about, I responded, “Do you still have the picture?” She responded, “Ew no. I deleted that ugly little bumpy dick out of my phone. Ew that dick was triflin’. I didn't want that dick on my phone. Other dicks maybe, but not that dick. My daughter found those pictures in my phone so I deleted them.” That was it. I was done. I don’t know how I didn’t fall out of the chair.

After reviewing Marcus’ text messages, there were large gaps in some of the conversations between him and his female staff. It seems like he was smart enough to delete the evidence from his phone, and was lucky enough that Hope’s daughter saw his little bumpy dick on Hope’s phone. There was no real evidence to support most of these claims. Lisa was terminated - which is an unrelated story for another day, and most of the female staff that Hope and the other co-worker discussed denied that Marcus made sexual advances. On top of that, Marcus vehemently denied the allegations, as one would obvious expect.

I was tempted to ask Marcus to whip out his little bumpy dick. I feel like if Hope described such a specific type of pizzle and Marcus’ accurately matched her description, then he surely sent her the picture or she was the dick whisperer. Some sort of dick soothsayer, a sorceress of the schlong, a clairvoyant of cock, a fortune-teller of peckers. She would have been an enchanter of the phallus. You get it…

But obviously, I could NOT do that, thus I was going to give him a very stern warning about the climate of the office, and the seriousness of the allegations.

But then, there was a smoking gun …or should I say a smoking dong? Stay tuned because it just gets loonier.