Prozac Attack

My first post and I’m already departing from what this thing is all about. This was meant to be funny and short clips of my professional life. But I can't help myself, for this is how I started my HR career, and how I survived the worst professional experience of my life. This is the story of the psychological abuse I endured at work, from the first HR professional I ever knew. Where all my ideas of what HR was supposed to be were incorrectly skewed. It’s the story of how I incorrectly thought I needed to renew an I-9 document every time someone’s drivers license expired.

This experience was the first instance that tested my will to work in HR and made me question if this was the profession for me. It’s the story of betrayal and throwing someone under the bus to get ahead. I know I need to get over it, but over ten years later, this experience still haunts me. It made me realize the HR leader I didn't want to be, and the manager I would never work for again. This is the beginning…

My first role in HR was in a small company of about 65 employees. The commute was horrific. Only 26 miles from Philly to King of Prussia, it took me an hour to get there, and almost three hours to get home on Fridays in the summer, considering Phillies traffic and shore traffic on top of the rush hour traffic. The days were long. It was getting up at 6:00 AM to leave the house by 7:00 AM. I was in by 8:00 AM and didn’t leave until 5:00 PM (I had a one hour unpaid lunch that annoyed the fuck out of me) I’d usually get home between 6:00 - 7:00 PM. I didn't have a life, my job consumed me. That's not a complaint. People have it worse, and I don't take that for granted.

My co-workers were boring. Most of them were the typical tech people who barely lifted up their heads to say “hi.” Ever. Throughout all three years of my employment. I only wanted to sleep with about three of them. I often thought that all of them would be too boring in bed anyway. I know we’re HR professionals, but don't say you've never thought of your co-workers like that. Don’t be a fucking liar, Camille (Yes, that was a RHOBH references my loves)! I understand we’re supposed to be ethical, but we’re supposed to be honest too.

Anyway, I got ahead of myself, so let’s take it back. I graduated college in January, 2010. I had an office job doing sales, accounts receivable, and other administrative things with my mother. (Yes, she’s back in the story if you read "About this Blogger.) It was an awful work experience; she and our boss didn't get along, my aunt also worked in the office and also didn't get along with our boss, and my cousin’s ex-husband worked there and was terminated for stealing. Reminder to Self: Never work with family again! I knew I needed to get out of the ASAP; I even developed IBS from all the arguing and hostility.

If anyone remembers that time economically, it wasn’t the best to find a job or to buy gas for that matter. I had been applying to jobs with no success, and I desperately wanted to start utilizing my HR Degree.

When a woman who shared the same name as my grandmother called me to set up an interview and identified herself as the Director of HR, I felt it was a sign and this was going to be my big break. When I arrived for my interview, I walked into this beautiful but silent office. No one looked up and and no one greeted me. I should have known that it would always be this way.

Despite my cold welcome, the interview went extremely well, and I really connected with the HR Director, Loretta. The woman I would report to, Kimberly, the HR Assistant, was on vacation, so I didn't meet her during the interview process. Reed, the Office Assistant rounded out the HR Team.

Honestly, I was just excited at the thought of buying new clothes and getting to wear a shirt and tie. I was NOT interested in getting caught up at the water cooler talking about the surface and uninteresting water cooler conversations. I was also NOT interested in getting caught in the stampedes after putting out the leftovers after Board Meetings and all the gavones (a rude person who takes more than they can eat) ran to get the food. Sorry, I clearly unintentionally jumped forward in time.

When I gladly accepted the position of HR Clerk, making $12.50/hr, I had not realized that I would basically be spending all of my earnings on gas and car payments and would get myself into a lot of debt buying Armani Exchange and Express and “getting tables” in Atlantic City’s night clubs. Remember, it was 2010.

About a year into my tenure as HR Clerk, Kimberly, who turned out to be a hot mess, decided to move on. A few years before I started, Kimberly waited on the Loretta at some fancy restaurant, apparently provided outstanding service, and was invited to apply for the role. She had no formal HR experience, and learned everything as she went. She had a lot of problems with her husband, who seemed like a real jerk off. She was the kind of person who had an idea of what a professional should be and tried to emulate it, but everyone knew it was just a facade. She was often late, and snapped out a lot, probably due to arguments with her strapper husband, and having to play mommy to his little brat son.

Anyway, I was promoted into her position, and succeeded. Things between Loretta and I continued to be amazing until, of course, they weren’t. I looked at her as a work mom. She never had kids and lovingly referred to me as her son. I’m not sure how it started but it was nice being the favorite.

When Kimberly left, it was just Reed and I for awhile. As we recruited to backfill my position, we just weren't seeming to get the right person. I finally decided to text a friend from high school, and with whom I went to college, Bethany. She also graduated with an HR Degree. Loretta interviewed her and complained that she “wasn't the right fit.”

Months went by, and we still had no HR Clerk. Reed eventually applied for a position in Finance, and was promoted out of the department. I was then in a department of two. Loretta was putting pressure on me to hire someone, and I again brought up Bethany. Reluctantly, Loretta decided to let me hire her. Loretta also decided we wouldn't replace Reed, and instead would hire an intern. With an intern around, I didn't feel uncomfortable with my relationship with Loretta, and openly calling her “mom.” I wasn't so concerned with Bethany, because I knew her, and she got it. An intern was different. Back then I had a sense of professionalism, which you will see eventually dissipated. I mentioned this to Loretta and she was NOT happy. This was the beginning of the end.

Overall, I would say I have a touch of OCD. I like things to be uniform and perfect, and I generally don't make mistakes at work. I know a lot of people say they don't make mistakes, but I truly don’t. I know that sounds narcissistic but it isn’t. This is because I work really hard at not making mistakes. If I’m e-mailing a message to “all staff,” it can take me three hours to craft a simple e-mail, proofing it over and over to make sure there aren't mistakes, fine tuning it, word smithing it, overthinking it, etc.

Well, I made a mistake. One of the Software Developers quit and I accidentally forgot to cut off his flexible spending account. The mistake cost the agency a whopping $350 when the employee spent the rest of the money in the account. (As you may know, and to oversimplify the concept, the money a person elects to contribute is front loaded into the FSA at the beginning of the plan year, and the employee pays into the account throughout the remainder of the year. Due to the nature of how this plan works, an employee could technically spend money that they didn't yet contribute. If someone quits during the course of the plan year, the company has to eat the cost.)

This discovery happened the day of a quarterly board meeting and about two years into my tenure. It was the first “major” mistake I made. Loretta came out of her office and berated me while I was sitting in reception, in front of Bethany. The office was silent so everyone could hear her voice. Suddenly all the people who barely said anything on their way in were peeking out of their office doors to hear what was happening. Loretta exclaimed that since I couldn't perform a simple task such as cutting off an FSA, that she didn't want me to have the opportunity to screw up the board meeting and wanted me out of the office when the guests came. She sent me to Costco to get office supplies, and had Bethany step in to do the board meeting set up. She punished me. I was mortified.

After that, Bethany started to pal around with Loretta more and more, and I became the outcast. Suddenly, all of the fun I used to have with Loretta was now shared between Loretta and Bethany. Loretta never had time for me anymore. When I asked her if she had a minute she didn’t, but when Bethany needed something, she had all the time in the world. She told me that Bethany knew how to get her at the right time. She was full of shit.

A few weeks later, I had an awful stomach virus and had to call out for two days. Whatever the virus was stayed in my system for a few days, and when I wanted to call out for the third day, Bethany was mysteriously sick as well. I knew she was faking because I had left her alone for two days, but I refused to go to work actively projectile vomiting. Anyway, Loretta told me I couldn't call out. I was exhausted and nauseous and hadn't really eaten in days. The throwing up subsided but I just needed another day to relax and get myself together. I wasn't afforded that opportunity. Since I was at the front desk alone, Loretta said that she would spend part of the day with me. At that point our relationship was strained to say the least, and I was NOT excited about that.

Before that day, I was so excited that I learned a new skill, how to facilitate orientation. I was shaky on explaining the benefits, mostly because Loretta used to come into orientation and take over. I wasn't ever able to do that part alone without her interrupting me. On the third day of my illness, when I should have been in bed, Loretta asked me to practice what I would say during the benefits presentation. It was random. She told me it was a pop quiz. I went to grab my notebook since I had only facilitated orientation a few times, and she said, “No. Without notes.” I already knew what this was going to turn into. I began to recite what I remembered. She continuously interrupted me and corrected me over minor details that weren't important. I was explaining the vesting schedule of the 401K plan and she began to scream at me as my co-workers walked by. She told me that wasn't important, but the last time she interrupted me while I was going over the benefits in orientation, it was to discuss the vesting schedule. This constant nitpicking and berated continued until she finally told me I couldn't be trusted. People were looking at me. I was embarrassed and sick and there was nothing I could do about it.

But one of the final straws was when Loretta called me into her office to talk to me. She told me that she was thinking about me and decided to write a list of adjectives that described me. She pulled out a little slip of paper and began to read it off to me. She said I was “smug,” “attention-seeking,” “egotistical,” “a doormat,” I was, “like the bottom of a shoe, because I let everyone walk all over me,” etc. I was flabbergasted. I couldn't imagine anyone in their right mind saying these things to someone. It wasn't even that she criticized me, it was that she attacked my character, and incorrectly assessed me overall. It wasn't lost on me that most of these characteristics can be viewed as opposites of one another, but I broke down and cried anyway.

I began taking panic attacks every Sunday night. In the middle of the winter, I needed to turn the air conditioner on and breathe in the cool air to calm myself down. I needed to call my friend to have him make me laugh and snap out of it. I was exhausted, anxious, and wasn't sleeping. I decided that I had enough and began to look for a new job.

I interviewed with my friends’ company during a lunch break. I had to tell Bethany so that she could cover for me. After all, we were friends for over ten years. Although our dynamic shifted, I still thought I could trust her. That was stupid. Unbeknownst to me, she immediately told Loretta.

Loretta decided to have a "team meeting" one night after hours, as we prepared for the intern to start. The two of them stared at me as Loretta said we needed to be professional about the new intern coming in. She asked me if there was anything I said that could have been unprofessional that I discussed with Bethany at the front desk. I couldn't think of anything. I said there are times when we talk about the weekend, but nothing unprofessional. She responded, “So you didn't tell Bethany you were going on an interview?” Shocked. She berated me in front of Bethany for awhile. Bethany sat there nodding her head in agreement with a smirk on her face. She accused me of sabotaging the intern by creating an unprofessional work environment. We left work at around 7:30 that night because she needed to yell at me after hours…

Throughout the course of the next few months, I dreaded going to work. Loretta and Bethany got even closer, and I was more isolated than ever. I was physically getting sick from my anxiety. Loretta demeaned me, and began giving me meaningless work, like shredding old records. During that time, I came across her emergency contact sheet. The form asked if she was on any medication, to which she responded “PROZAC!” Things started to make better sense.

I went on a few interviews and found a non-profit back in Philly. It seemed like a great fit, but then again, anything would have been a better fit if it didn't include Loretta. I was offered the role and gladly accepted. I decided to give a three week notice, because I knew there was a knowledge transfer that needed to take place. Before I gave notice, I wanted an official offer letter first. The offer letter took a few days to come back, and I got worried. I called my new manager and asked when I could expect it. She responded that she was sending it that afternoon. Beaming, I stupidly told Bethany. I asked her to let me tell Loretta and she agreed. The second Loretta walked in, Bethany basically ran to her office with her. I knew exactly what happened. Bethany came back and I suddenly got a call from the principle’s office. This time was different. I didn't care anymore. I walked in with confidence and plopped down in one of her chairs. She began to yell at me and called me stupid for doing the same thing twice by telling Bethany. I rolled my eyes the whole time she spoke. I responded that I was going to tell her when she got in but thought it was unsafe to sprint in the office. She continued to yell at me and I responded, “Are you done yet?” There was nothing left to say and I walked out.

That night I composed the following resignation e-mail:

I have made one of the hardest decisions l've ever had in my life today; I am officially resigning from my position.

My last day will be Friday, February 1, 2013. I vow to still be the employee I have always been and will try my best to make the transition as seamless as possible.

It has been no secret that there have been problems since the summer, when you made that list of qualities you hated about me (which I still believe are untrue) and told me that you didn't think this position was right for me. Even though you broke my spirit, belittled me and demeaned me time and time again, in front of coworkers, colleagues in and out of the department, I still tried everything in my power to do the best job I could. I know anyone in my position would not accept the complete disrespect you've shown to me, including the idea that I would sabotage the department because I didn't like one of the intern candidates you wanted to make an offer to, but I did for my love of my job. Even throughout all of those bad times, my passion remained, and I tried to not let our relationship keep me from my dream of being one of the long term employees in a company that truly does care. One prime example was when the peer review team called me the spirit of the company, during one of the roughest patches I've had here.

Back in the summer, I was actually offered a second interview in the only company that I applied to and declined it for the fact that I wanted to work things out. The position offered working from home most of the week, flexible hours, a higher pay and more time off. After declining, the harsh reality set in that you were NOT willing to work things out. I noticed that even the smallest of mistakes began making you irate. I believe the day when I was the sole person at the front desk, and you decided to reprimand me at the front desk with various employees walking by was the last straw. You accused me of not thinking, however, in reality, I over thought everything to try and avoid your wrath. I've had many sleepless nights stemming from August deciding if I should leave or stand by the company that offered me so many opportunities, but five months later, the only thing that's changed is that our relationship has grown even more hostile. I don't believe should dread coming to work or take panic attacks at the thought of it.

I will truly miss all of my coworkers, including you, the company, and all of the other relationships I've made with vendors, directors, etc. Through everything, I will sincerely miss my position, even with the over hour commute each way. I honestly believe our different ways of thinking was our demise. I believe there are two ways of doing things, and I can accept another person doing something differently than I would, even if it involved an extra step. I want you to sincerely think if sometimes the comments you've made to me over small errors were really that worth it. I am a hard worker, passionate, and truly care about what goes on here. I can't explain how bittersweet this moment is, because I treasured our relationship for so long, and even called you mom, but feel so relieved that I am leaving.

I want to end this e-mail on a positive note. I want you to understand that I'm being honest with you, even admitting things that I'd rather not admit because I respect you and believe you have the right to know the real reason I'm leaving. I truly hope that we can remain amicable for my final days here, because I intend on working as if I have never sent this e-mail, until my final hour. I leave it up to you to decide on how my resignation should be communicated.

Despite the anguish, I still tried to give Prozac Attack Realty my all. My job duties were being taken away from me and a week into my resignation period, I asked Loretta if there were any special products that she wanted me to handle. Bethany was walking by. Loretta said, “Hey Bethany! Did you hear what he just said? He wants to know if there were any projects he could do before he left!” Bethany began to laugh as if me trying to help was funny. Loretta said, “In the three years you worked here were there any project you've done?” I said I understood that we normally didn't have many projects but I wanted to help out as much as I could before I left. She repeated, “Projects! Can you believe this? Projects!” I had enough. I walked back to my desk, packed up my belongings and left never to return again.

This is the story of how I learned self-respect. This is the start of Confessions from an HR Floor.