The Dickey-Doo Interview

Ugh. The dreaded P word. For most people it’s “pussy,” but for HR professionals all over the world, it’s “pandemic.” The word we never want to hear again. The word that makes us instantly need a Xanax. The issue of 2020 that was on everyone’s lips, but no one really knew what the fuck they were talking about. The issue that made us uncomfortably turn on a dime, but for others, gave us the benefit of working from home. The possibilities were endless; you could take a call from someone who wouldn't shut the fuck up, but at least you could do something constructive like fold laundry, prep dinner, or the oddest chore I’ve ever done while on a call, spackle around a light switch.

Working in the healthcare industry, we still needed to recruit. Sure, phone screenings were fine, but I wanted eyes on a potential employee before extending an offer. Call me old-fashioned, but I needed to see their body language and the sincerity (or lack there of) in their eyes. For this reason, we started video conference interviews early on in the “P” (For your sanity and mine, I’m not using that word). I’ve had my fair share of, “You’re on mute…,” “Can you please put on your camera?,” kids screaming in the background, etc. but this one absolutely takes the cake.

For sake of keeping things confidential, I’m going to oversimplify how I met this candidate. She was basically an “intern.” Let’s call her Charisse. Charisse never struck me as the sharpest tool in the shed. In fact, I’d much argue that her elevator didn't necessary go to the top floor. Honestly, I probably would not have considered her for employment. However, she applied online to one of our extremely hard to fill positions, and the manager interviewed her and thought she was suitable. I think that overall, the market of qualified candidates disappeared off the face of the earth (not that I need to explain that), so desperate times called for desperate measures. I talked myself into “Charisse will do.” I approached the position without bias, as a true HR professional would (even though my mind begged me to do otherwise).

I called Charisse and set up a virtual interview. She was really excited, and it actually made me feel better about the situation. At the time, I was training an HR Coordinator on interviewing skills, so I was having her observe interviews. We all get on the call, and there’s Charisse, as happy as a clam, waiting to be interviewed. Charisse decided to perform the interview from her cellphone, and held the camera in such a way that looked as if she were taking a selfie. Charisse: A true professional. In the top right hand corner of the screen, I saw a blanket. As Charisse’s arm began to get tired, and the phone began to shift, I started to think the blanket may have actually been a person. I was confused and distracted. I was paying more attention to the inanimate/animate object in the background than Charisse. The camera further panned away, and I realized it was flesh. Definitely a mound of flesh. Layers upon layers of flesh. A whole bunch of naked flesh. I began to see what I thought was a chubby kid at the table. I made up the scenario that this was Charisse’s young child having a bowl of cereal between virtual classes. Yes, just a topless little boy having some cereal. Nothing to see there.

But there was definitely something to see there. This wasn't a young boy after all. As I asked Charisse, “What frustrates you most at work?” She put her thinking cap on, which triggered her to move her arm more, and the child fully revealed himself to be a full grown man completely naked in front of a laptop. My Coordinator remained. I remained. It was the first time I was at a loss for words. This didn't happen to me. I always had something to say. My jaw definitely dropped. I looked at my Coordinator, who I just knew saw what I saw. I truly didn't know what to say. She was on an iPhone. You can see what the viewer sees. We see the trunk of a dick connected to the torso of a very heavyset man behind you, hunny. You have to see that too…

There's so many questions that ran through my mind. How does this happen? How do you not avoid the naked person in the background while you're on a video interview!? Did she know? Was she showing him off? Was he a nudist? Was she being held captive by him? What was he doing naked at the laptop? Was he watching porn? Did they have good-luck-on-your-interview-sex prior to the call and he failed to get dressed afterwards? Her hair was a little messy. Was it due to sex, or did she not brush her hair before the interview?

More importantly, do I say something? Do I pretend not to see it? Did I want to know what would happen next? Would he hear me if I said something? Would he murder her during the interview for exposing his blubber and dick trunk to the HR Department of a potential employer?

It was too awkward. There were only a few questions left so I opted to say nothing. I continued with my follow up question,“What do you do when that happens, so that you don't become outwardly frustrated at work?” I was so thrown off I didn't even know what “that” was! I guess she responded. I don't know what her response was. I even think there was a gap in my notes.

“What is you biggest growing edge?” I really didn't want to ask a question about growth while there was an exposed dick in the room. I clarified, “you know, like an area of improvement.” She stumbled and said “ummmm…” Do you believe this bitch couldn't think of something she could improve on? Not professionalism? Not the awareness of your surroundings? Not finding a private place to interview? Not a pair of contacts to improve your vision to see there was a naked person in the background the entire time you were being interviewed????

When she answered what made her stand out as a candidate for the position, I quickly tried to end the call. I asked if she had any questions and thank God she didn’t.

When she hung up, I spoke to the Coordinator. She was trying to skirt around what we just saw. I said, “Yeah, there was a naked man behind her, it’s gonna be a no from me dawg.” We both laughed uncontrollably for several minutes. Then I called the manager and had the same conversation. He was appalled, shocked and also found it amusing. We again laughed uncontrollably for several minutes. Needless to say, she didn't get the job. Back to the drawing board!