The Office Guncle

As a man who likes other men, I’m always offended by the stereotypes we are given; we hit on straight men, we’re always horny, and we’re promiscuous. Unfortunately, this story is one that seems to confirm these aforementioned stereotypes.

As the winter holidays were approach, everyone knows that productivity diminishes because employees slack off in between Thanksgiving and New Years. As they say, idle minds are the devil’s workshop, which rang true for Miguel, a eighteen year tenured supervisor, who clearly wanted someone to keep him warm in the month of December. Back then, it was normal for employees and managers to share their personal phone numbers for work purposes, and was a first day ritual of exchanging numbers.

Just two days into his tenure, a new employee, who we’ll call Tate, received a string of text messages from Miguel:

Miguel: You are a hot looking man

Tate: Who this?

Miguel: Will be to much to said, I’m a gay guy! Who see you, time to time… and

you are hot, man…”

Tate: I’m not into that shit man

Miguel: Don’t get upset…won’t bother…see you..

Tate: Stop fucking texting me

Miguel: Like I said…sorry, I got the wrong person…sorry …I just said something

nice

After receiving the text messages and asking the individual to identify themselves and not receiving a response, Tate went into a conference room to call the number that the text messages were being sent from. He heard a voice that sounded like Miguel’s on the cell phone. Tate immediately went to his supervisor who dialed the number in question. At this point, the two confirmed that it was Miguel’s voice on the other end. Tate, clearly upset by Miguel’s advances, went into Miguel’s office to confront him and stated that he felt violated by Miguel’s advances and was concerned that he gave Miguel his personal information, i.e. cell phone number, home address and social security number as requested, for work purposes only, and Miguel was using them inappropriately. Gay slurs were peppered into Tate’s concerns.

An investigation was initiated, where Miguel reported he accidentally texted Tate, and deleted the text chain out of embarrassment. Miguel further stated that he meant to text his nephew, and only recalls texting something like, “Hi handsome man, how are you? This is your gay uncle sending you a note.” When confronted by Tate’s supervisor, Miguel alleged that the texts were meant for a friend.

Unbeknownst to Miguel, I actually had a record of the text messages and knew he was a liar liar pants on fire. You’ll see how much fire they were on in a few paragraphs. Anyway, both Miguel and Tate corroborated that Tate asked Miguel to see his phone and grabbed it from his desk. Tate saw his name and personal cell phone number saved in Miguel’s personal cell phone, as well as the missed calls that he and Tate’s supervisor made to Miguel’s phone in his call log. And of course, Miguel removed his voicemail to disguise that it was Miguel’s cell phone.

But this is when it gets really crazy… during Miguel’s administrative leave, I went through his desk to find evidence. When I opened his top drawer I found condoms, lube and porn. When I opened up the bottom desk drawer, I discovered two clear plastic bags full of crinkled up napkins. A closer inspection revealed that all of the napkins contained what seemed to be dried up cum.

I get that it’s ridiculous to have any of those items at work, but that all seemed normal compared to the bags of napkins. Despite however Miguel got off in that office, who would collect their cum rags and leave them in their desk like they were souvenirs!? What was the purpose of them just hanging out in the desk like that. Again, one of the few times I was at a loss for words. Why can't people keep it in their pants at work. I know eight hours is a long time to hold in a lot many excretions, but cum shouldn't be one of them.

Because Miguel just couldn't help himself, he then called me after hours and left a voicemail about the “N-word” that reported him. We also found that he was committing timesheet fraud. Imagine that this person was on our payroll for 18 years!

Surprisingly his termination was uneventful. We called him and notified him of his termination, and he hung up on us. I guess he didn't want to schedule time to come and pick up his dirty cum rags, condoms, and oil.